“Your Plane Is About To Depart Mr. Cleeg”

After the jet-way meltdown I still have about 1.5 hours before my plane leaves for Frankfurt, Germany. I decided this was more than enough time for one last big burger at Chili’s. With college basketball games on and some Chicago style slow service it took about 60 minutes to finish my meal. Now I was really craving ice cream and started working my way towards my gate when I spotted a McDonalds. I got in line, waited about 10 minutes (again what’s with the service in this city?) only to be informed by a snippy McEmployee that they are out they out of ice cream. Her tone of voice suggests that this is entirely my fault. No problem this is a big airport, I’ll find some ice cream somewhere else, you little McJerk.

As I’m strolling towards my assigned gate, I spot some ice cream in a deli and I’m closing in fast, but then I hear “Mr. Jason Cleeg (not a typo) please report to gate B35 immediately.” Come on, I’m going to India for the next month, I need ice cream now! I hesitate for a moment, look at the ice cream, look at the gate, back to the ice cream, and then sadly head for the gate. I get to there about 15 minutes before the scheduled departure and the bald 6’3” male gate agent informs me in a thick German accent (I’m flying on Lufthansa), that I’m the last to board and the plane is “veady” to depart. “Very well.” I say in my best Captain Ramius voice (The Hunt for Red October). “You may proceed.” I thought this was very funny. “Passport and ticket!” Mr. Midnight Oil barks at me. Apparently the Germans frown upon boarding an international flight 15 minutes before it leaves. Seemed plenty early to me.

Once on the plane, the other passengers in business class (who now are finishing off their third glass of champagne) are also not amused. I’ve never flown business class before, how am I supposed to know that in business class the party starts about 45 minutes before the plane leaves. As we pull away from the gate I look up and notice that Mr. Oil is going to be my flight attendant for the next 14 hours. Well, at least now I know what this 80’s Rock-star is doing now after his one-hit-wonder musical career.